Consecrated Religious Blog

As I sit here in prayer, sensing such a contentment of heart as to where I am right now in my religious vocation; I am aware of the freedom and rest I experience in my heart of no longer feeling the need to be something other than what stirs deep within. I have sensed a sort of "calling forth of the bride" that Christ has created me to be, as part of the Church.

I am validated in the struggle and wrestling during my inital 13 years of living religious life (and even beyond), and grateful that I have persevered in a grappling and attentiveness to the flames that burned most deeply in my heart; rather than discounting myself in order to fit my square peg into the round hole before me. The more I tried to tweak the “corners of my shape”, the more I would die inside. Why? Because I was losing myself as God created me to be.

Clearly, my vocational discernment didn’t happen overnight. And, I believe this long period was meant to be part of the process of my own growth and formation. And, I experienced a taste of the Scripture: “[Christ] learned obedience from what He suffered” (Hebrew5:8).

Thankfully, God placed some special spiritual directors and consecrated religious in my life who helped to “call me forth” in the fullness of who God was calling me to be. They were able to see, and validate me in, the gifts and graces God had given me. But, not everyone was encouraging me in this way. There were some spiritual leaders,  and lay people, who I respected and who did not have the grace to recognize my deeper calling; and this made for a lot of interior wrestling with God as I sought to discern His Will. 

The key in this discernment was deep prayer before the Eucharist; bearing my heart to Jesus, and sharing with Him what resonated most deeply.

“Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Ps 37:4). And, this I did (in my frail, fumbling way). My delight certainly was/is in Him… especially His presence among us in the Holy Eucharist through the Heart of Mary.

One interaction that especially stood out as a revelation during these years of discernment, was a meeting I had with a Sister Servant, Sr. Mary Ann, who said to me one day regarding her own vocation, "When I entered this community, I had a clean slate. I didn’t have any particular spirituality, so I have been able to be formed in the spirituality of this community."

“Ureka!!!” I thought to myself. I don’t have a clean slate. I had such a huge conversion and certain key charisms were engrained in my heart (The Eucharist, Mary, Contemplation), and these are central to my life. Any time I was asked to tweak them in order to fit in better, I would die inside. I tried to make it happen for 13 years, but could not fully flourish. It was as though a lid kept being put over these flames (charisms) in my heart, preventing me from flourishing.

And, so, I sit here now, having gone through those intense years of discerning God’s Will for my vocation, and I am so grateful that I had the grace to persevere in deep prayer, in being true to my heart, and trusting in our Lord. “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!” (2Cor 3:17)And that is what I experience.

I share this in case it might help anyone who feels repressed or bottled up, or as though they are losing themselves in another person or group, or whatever the case may be.

If anyone finds themself in this, I encourage you to bring your heart to Jesus; allow Him to call you forth in the fullness of who He has created you to be. Especially spending time in Eucharistic Adoration can be like looking into a mirror (Christ) and coming to know our TRUE identity in Christ. Jesus truly is “the Way, the Truth and the Life” (Jn 14:6). 

This is ultimatedly the calling for each one of us as part of His Bride the Church. God has a very special plan that only we can fulfill; but it is up to us to dispose ourselves to it. 

"Thus says the Lord:...for I know the plans I have for you... to give you a future and a hope... You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, says the Lord...." (Jer 29:10-14).